How do I give feedback to a co-leader without damaging the relationship?

One of the questions I hear most often from leaders is: "How do I give feedback to a co-leader without damaging the relationship or them getting defensive?"

Feedback between peers can be tricky. While the hierarchical power is ostensibly equal, the social power is likely unequal, regardless if anyone has admitted it aloud. This dynamic can feel challenging to navigate, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid it because who else is going to hold them accountable, if not you? And who else is going to hold you accountable, if not them? When you hold the most power in an organization, it is critical that you have someone giving you honest feedback, even if it's uncomfortable to hear it. 

So in short: Avoiding feedback and difficult conversations damages relationships and organizations far more than honest, thoughtful, well timed, and actionable feedback ever will. 

Giving feedback doesn't have to threaten the relationship. In healthy leadership partnerships, it strengthens it.

Here are four ways to give feedback that honor the relationship and reduce defensiveness: 

Be direct and specific.

Vague feedback is confusing, and the longer one drags out what the actual feedback is, the more tension builds. 

A lack of specificity also leaves the other person unclear on what change actually looks like or what behavior you’re even providing feedback on. Clearly name the behavior, explain its impact, and why it matters. Then discuss what needs to change. That last part can be collaborative. People are far more likely to engage when they have a voice in the solution. 

Speak from your perspective.

Talk about what you observed and the impact it had on you, the team, the client, the product, or organization. 

Resist the urge to explain why you think the other person did what they did. You can't know their intent with certainty, and conversations built on assumptions usually become conversations about defending motives instead of improving behavior. You can, however, speak confidently about what you experienced and what you need going forward. 

Focus on the behavior, not the person. 

There is a big difference between saying, “In that meeting you did not engage with my contributions and interrupted me several times” and “You’re dismissive and reckless in team meetings.” 

One states the observed behavior; the other labels the person’s character. Character judgments invite defensiveness. Behavioral feedback creates the opportunity for change. 

Stay in relationship.

The purpose of feedback isn't simply to get something off your chest or prove you're right. If your goal in the conversation is to get them to admit that you were right, then it’s not a feedback conversation. 

The goal should be to strengthen the relationship by increasing understanding, trust, and accountability. The conversation should leave room for curiosity and reciprocity, not just correction. 

If giving the feedback feels very risky, there’s probably something going unsaid in the relationship dynamic that is making accountability difficult. I wouldn’t ignore this because when feedback feels unsafe, people stop giving it. Problems go unaddressed, resentment grows, frustration builds, and the working relationship begins to fracture.

Eventually, you're no longer having conversations about work. You're arguing about how you’re both using the work to harm each other.

Healthy working relationships require constant difficult conversations. Lean into it. 

Need support navigating a conversation with your co-lead?